The Paradox of Feeling less with MS; but also too much!

Last night before I went to bed I felt the numbness and tingling that begins in my feet and extends up my calves, start to reach its smoky tendrils further up my left leg.

I contemplated on the feeling as I lay in bed between my husband and six year old. There’s not much more a momma wants more, the comfort of her too guys. But, the numb inducing feeling making my leg feel like evaporating, with underlying sinew and bone exposed, but still encased in flesh. It’s all still there, my foot, my ankle, my calf, my knee. Just less.

In the morning I awoke with attention still drawn by my left leg, but now it was tightness, spasticity, of my too many flexed muscles. What, did my leg compensate for the under feeling, and in desperate hope tighten everything, in vain hopes to feel more?

#thisisms

So I slacked this morning after I fed the kids, because walking was taking so much energy with legs that are too numb and too tight. I rewatch Crazy Ex Girlfriend because I love the songs. I love the portrayal of the main character, Rebecca Bunch and her quest to just be in love, so she can be both happy and normal. With MS you can be in love, and happy, but so very, very far from normal.

I prepare for my shower, propping myself against the bathroom sink I dry brush from my feet, in concentric clockwise circles, towards my heart. The bristles always feel so good, activating my numbish limbs, and I just enjoying the sensation of feeling through the tingles. It hasn’t been hard to keep up the habit. I have postulated that it also helps prevent my spasticity to some extent. But I can’t be sure. Still my neurons rejoice at the passing of the bristles.

My mother in law makes lamb biryani with beet, carrot and onion salads. I feel nourished. I can deal with the less feelings, and the more feelings, a little while longer. Living with MS is oh so very, very hard, but we find ways to keep going. May God be with you til we meet again! 🧡